And it dawned on me...

A little late getting this posting up, but here goes. Last Saturday was hot and humid, and this Saturday felt every bit as October should in Indianapolis. This weekend I fell short of milage again, but killed it on my milage pace. I only did 12 on Saturday with an 8:03/mile pace  and 5.30 on Sunday turning in a 7:52/mile pace. The shin splints are still being an issue but with less than 3 weeks until the next marathon there is little I can do other than wrap them like a mummy. 

A lesson that people (and the universe) have been trying to beat into me for years is that I first must love myself. For some odd reason this is starting to sink in and make a lot of sense. My entire life I've looked for others to accept me, as if them seeing anything redeeming in me was validation for happiness. 'Oh, you think I'm an alright person? Then I must have value to you' sort of mindset. The direct cause of this? The jury is out on if this. I was the second and less important of the two sons, or it could be the bipolar... but probably a little of both. Growing up and into adulthood I've always felt as though I'm forgotten and in the shadows, thus placing the level of acceptance towards me as a direct reflection of my value to the world. I'm understanding this tactic has been a huge distraction and a draw on my energy.

Am I fixed? Oh no, that's like getting up from your 3rd or 4th therapy session and thinking you have that 'ta-da' moment that all is well and you won't be back. This is like the weather, I'll have my good days and bad days, good seasons and harsher times. As the saying goes 'A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor', and the more trouble times with moments of proper reflection have only made me more skilled at navigating these waters. Or running these paths depending on the theme you want to choose.