Today was another cold one, as runners and the rest of society in this part of the world know. The ice on my beard is an indication of the temps we're experiencing, and we in Indiana are getting off easy. Still fighting for whatever miles I can get in January, but know some months are just tough. But you get through it and focus on the next, which is what I'm doing now.
Without getting into the extreme details I will say that on this day in 2015 I tried to kill myself. After 4 years I'm finally learning to talk about this in a public way. This was discussed with my therapist in private of course, and my life view has completely changed since then. But back then I was just shattered. A lot of smaller incidences led up to me going that direction. The proverbial 'death by a thousand cuts'. And I'll also say that when a person is in the mindset they just want the hurt to stop. I can remember I wasn't thinking of anyone or anything, I just wanted to stop hurting. When you're in the depths of the brier patch all you can do is think of the peril surrounding you. The wounds you've suffered and the ones that seem to be waiting. Your judgement becomes clouded and you just want this to stop.
As I look back all I can do is think of how grateful I am to be here. How much I love seeing friends and family, my cats, creating, enjoying music and live shows, meeting new people, and of course running. I can also look forward like never before, and running has been a huge part of that. Also it's important to add that this is too a daily struggle and some are sunny, some less so. That's life as they say, but the important thing is to find a way to manage the less than stellar days. To find a way to survive. And if you see or suspect someone of having a struggle and inching closer to a decision like that be sure to step in and just offer to talk. I've listed a resources link that also has a lot of great organizations to lend a hand, ear, or shoulder. Communication does wonders, it's how we open doors and solve problems. Just something therapy has taught me.
I like a challenge as much as the next runner, but a break would be nice... but not expected. January has been a very tough month. I had the 2nd worst case of the flu I've ever had, followed by the death of my wonderful Grandmother, lots of coughing, and then the snow and ice. But it's times like these when maybe the powers that be are simply asking you 'How badly do you want this?"
The answer is still, as always, 'really really bad'.
But we don't do this because it's easy, we do it because we want to find out just what we as individuals can achieve. And I know this too shall pass and the weather will eventually turn for the better for the better. Such is life. I'm grateful that I'm getting in some miles when I can, and that the sun is out and I'm alive. To have ice in your beard can be a thrilling experience.
I had to do it, I had to treat myself. When your favorite band announces a NYE show in your favorite city one must go. To me it seemed like the perfect cap to an amazing year in my life. It was productive and positive on almost all fronts. I saw some great concerts, hiked canyons in the south west, sat front row to see Dita Von Teese, and of course I ran.
I'm thrilled to say I did 6 marathons on 2018, my overall mileage was shy of my goal, but the injuries were a bit long in the tooth. I ended 2017 with 1128 and wanted to do 1300 for this past year. I did conclude 2018 with 1141 miles. But oh Boston... I missed you so much. I missed the people, the sites and sounds, the running, and just the overall vibe of that city. I could go on and on, but I made a video to best sum it up.
Sadly I've started 2019 with a serious case of the flu, but am on the mend. It's best to get it out of the way now since my next marathon is 4 months from today and I have a strict training schedule. I'm going to make this another great year.
Ryan (That's me)
Runner, writer, and a survivor. It's all about living the life you want and helping each other along the way.