And sometimes it finds me, so I just keep running.

On Saturday I ran the local 500 Mini-marathon in Indianapolis, and in a pretty brisk rain turned in an 1:43:41... not what I wanted but I can't change it. My original goal was 1:39:00. At first I was fine with the time, and then this overwhelming sense of failure hit me. Ton of bricks. I was just angry at the intensity of which this was setting in, so much so that I laced up and did another 7.35 miles in much better weather. 

It was a painful run, and also a punishment for me not succeeding. In retrospect I know running should never be used a a negative 'motivator' or punishment. It is my therapy and my happy place, at least it's supposed to be. The more I thought about this the more it dawned on me that even with the best practices in place, bipolar can find me. Or find a way to get to me, even as careful as I try to be. 

That's the tough thing about this course I've chosen, to go 'medication free'. Yes I still feel it's the best route for me and I would highly advice others to search out the advice of their therapist before doing so. I am not anti-medication, not in the least. In the documentary I'll be getting into my 'choice' and how a lot of it was dictated by the cost of medication without insurance. But back to the topic at hand. This way I'm wired, the chemicals that course through me, they're just me. I have to own it and live with it. Yes 'live with it'. 

As bad as some parts of my past have been I do not intend on revisiting the darkest of times. As bad as the last several days and nearly a week have been, I know this too shall pass. It's already passing. Before running, my bipolar down swings would last for sometimes as long as 3 awful months. And on several attempts were almost my ending. I know I can be hard on myself, it's the way I've always been with me. And one of my life lessons is to learn how to love me and forgive myself... and to see the positives in the runs that don't work out the way I had hoped.